306 pounds of physical baggage. From the outside, pretty easy to recognize as such.
But what about what's on the inside? What is there that is NOT visible to the naked eye?
How about a man who, when met with a kind eye from a therapist, bursts into tears?
A man who, due to the bulk he carries around, knows he will lower a vehicle on his side when he gets in? A man who has to ease into chairs and couches for fear of collapsing them?
A man who has learned to see food as a dichotomy of both a garden of earthly delights, and of a demonic trap worthy of Dante's Inferno?
You want to know the scary part? As the layers of fat come off, and they WILL, I don't know what's underneath. Exercise and diet are a stopgap solution. I bide my time till I reach my goal weight...then what? Then who? I built this fortress bite by bite, but what have I been protecting? Who am I , and where am I going?
"Our greatest pretenses are built up not to hide the
evil and the ugly in us, but
our emptiness. The hardest thing to hide is
something that is not there."
Beautifully--if painfully--written. Your lush lyricism here proves that what hides beneath your layers IS strong, is poetic, is powerful. As everything falls away, YOU will remain.
ReplyDeleteCheering you on.
Wow. I encounter deep honesty such as yours so rarely that it's breathtaking when I do. One thing that stands out to me in your post is that I hear not an ounce of self-hatred--something many of us carrying too much weight struggle with. Rather, you seem to regard your extra flesh as a shell surrounding the real you. True, you say you are unsure what that "real you" will be like. But it's the real you that was brave enough, insistent enough, to write this first post. And it sounds as if you are saying that the weight loss is important, but actually secondary to the revealing of your true self.
ReplyDeleteI think I hear the universe cheering. I know I am.
From Maureen, a fellow journeyer.
I love the blunt honesty here, Traveler. Your word choices are so vivid--especially "spread on like so much troweled mud." I hope to join you in your journey to a goal weight. I, too, wonder who I am under the 32 years of fortress eating. Thanks for your transparency.
ReplyDelete